Hold the Camera Steady
by Caitlinn
Summary: Our favorite characters tape themselves their last year of school. they abuse the poor camera! chap. 2 up.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own them!!! Okay?!!  
  
"Hold the camera steady, Ron!" She smiled into the camera. "I'm Hermione Granger. Please forgive Ron. He's never dealt with Muggle stuff." She looked down. "Well we were all really bored, so Harry, Ron and I decided to make a movie of our last year at Hogwarts!" She smiled brightly at the camera lens. "My turn!" Ron yelled joyously. "Don't drop the…!" There was a crash and the camera went blank.  
  
"All right. We're back again. I had to buy a new camera, since Ron broke the other one!" Hermione yelled. "Now if you want a turn, hand me the camera first!" "Yes ma'am!" He handed her the camera and then got in front of it. He looked all over the place. "Well, this is our last year! Whoopie!!" "Ron, why are you looking everywhere but the camera?" Harry asked. "What? We're suppose to look at the camera?" "Cut!" Hermione yelled. Camera goes blank.  
  
"Ummm… Hi everyone! I'm Harry Potter. Ummm… can we cut? Please?" "Cut." Hermione yelled.  
  
"Hi! I'm Harry Pot-Head!" "Cut!! Cut!" "Sorry… it just gets stuck in my head!"  
  
"Hi! I'm Hi Potter!" "Cut! Cut!!" "Why? What'd I do?"  
  
"Hi! I'm Harry Potter! Oh my God! I got it right!!" "Cut!"  
  
"Hello. I'm Harry Potter. I go to Hogwarts School. I lived with my Uncle and Aunt for the first ten years of my life. Then I met Hagrid, then I met Malfoy, then I met Ron, then I met hermione, then I became enemies and and and… ummmmm…" "Cut… please just cut!"  
  
"All right! I'm going to get it right… Oh shit! I screwed up already!" "Cut!" *Pathetic laughter in the background.* "He said shit!" *More laughing.*  
  
"Hi. I'm Harry Potter and I'm really pissed off with this camera!" *Harry starts walking toward the camera* "Harry! Not my…" Cracking noise and then blank.  
  
  
  
"Well, it's me, Hermione again. Harry broke the camera and his hand so he won't be back for a while. So while we wait we'll take you on a tour of Hogwarts Castle." Camera shuts off. And turns back on. "For safety reasons, I'm going to be taping and Ron will be showing you around."  
  
"Okay! This is the Great Hall. Where we eat." He still didn't get the concept of looking at the camera. "Um… Gryffindor rocks!!" "Cut." Hermione whined pathetically. "Kay, kay! Now we're in Gryffindor Tower! Me, Harry and Hermione's home away from home!" "Hey! Why are you talking into that thing, Ron?" Seamus asked. "It's a ca-me- ra. You can see yourself in it later!" "So? I can see myself in a picture, now." "So!" "So!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck yourself!!" Seamus walked off in a huff. "Cut……… cut………"  
  
"Now we're in potions class." Ron got really close to the camera. "Shhh……… Don't tell any one……… but," He whispered. "SNAPE SUCKS!!!!!" He yelled at the top off his lungs. He started laughing. "Um……… Ron. Ron, stop laughing. Ron!" Hermione pointed behind him. "He's standing right there, isn't he?" The camera moved up and down, showing Hermione was nodding. "Oh shit………"  
  
"Well Ron got detention, but Harry's back will be helping me." "Hi! It's me Harry! We're going to go to Divination, which sucks, cuz Professor Trelawney has been predicting my death since I first was in this class. But since Hermione dropped this class, I'm going alone, which is going to be hard."  
  
In Class: The camera focused on Harry. He'd set it on his knees so that he could tape himself. "Z, Z, z. Z, Z, z. Z, Z, z." "Mr. Potter, please study your tea leaves." The professor said to him. "Mr. Potter? Oh my God! My prophecy came true! He's dead!!" She yelled. "Z, Z, z. Z, Z, z."  
  
"Okay. So Divination is boring, cuz I fell asleep, but now Hermione is back and we're going to lunch! I'm starved!"  
  
At Lunch:  
  
"Hey look! It's Malfoy! I bet ya 20 galleons I can hit him with my mashed potatoes!" "Your on!" Hermione was filming again. "Heads up, Malfoy!" Crabbe yelled at him. Malfoy ducked and the potatoes hit Cho. "Oh my gosh!" Harry fainted. All you could hear was Hermione laughing her ass off in the background. A serious food fight ensued and Hermione got most of it on tape. The first part of it, she was laughing at Harry.  
  
Next Day:  
  
"We couldn't tape because Madam Pomfrey insisted that Harry had been attacked by a dementor and wouldn't let him leave. He also has a detention for starting the food fight. Ron had detention too. Imagine that. So I'm all alone for today. Thank God! We're going to go the Care of Magical Creatures class, out on the lawn. I can't tape there, but if I get a chance I will."  
  
Class:  
  
"Okay! What's happened here is that, well, let's saw Norbert wanted to see his daddy. He's been flying for a long time and he just ate Draco's unicorn." The camera focused on a large dragon. "Norbert!" Hagrid came and petted the thing. It bit off his arm. "Uh-oh………" Hermione's voice said into the camera. Camera goes blank.  
  
  
  
Harry's face appears in the camera. "I'm back! I got detention, Herm. Can I take the camera with me to the Forbidden Forest?" "I guess so." "Yeah!!!"  
  
Forbidden Forest:  
  
"This is boring………" Harry was taping. "Shut up Potter!" Malfoy had gotten detention too. Harry zoomed in on his face. "Smile! You're on Candid Camera!" "What?" "It's a Muggle show I saw once." "Oh………" Malfoy rolled his eyes.  
  
"Tree, tree, tree………" Harry moved the camera back and forth and pointed it at different trees. "And to make things interesting, let's add a bush! Tree, tree, tree………" "Shut up!" Malfoy yelled. Harry points the camera towards him. "Look! It's another tree!" He laughed. Malfoy growled.  
  
"I can't see a thing……… Owwwwwwww……… and another tree……… That hurt." Harry's voice said into the camera. "Look! It's the Sorcerer's Stone!!" "Where?!" Malfoy yelled. *hysterical laughter from Harry.*  
  
"This is boring………" Harry yawned. "I want to go to sleep……… Bananas, in pajamas, are running down the stairs. Bananas, in pajamas, are chasing teddy bears………" "What the fuck is up with you, Potter?" "Too much caffeine? Dradle, dradle, dradle, I made you out of clay! Dradle, dradle, dradle, with dradle I will play! Second verse same as the first! New song!" Harry yelled. "What would Brian Boitano  
  
If he was here right now? I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two! That's what Brian Boitano'd do!" Harry laughed hysterically. "Oh my God………" Malfoy mumbled. "I'm going to die………" "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm done." "Good." "Hehehehehe……… That's what you think………"  
  
An hour later:  
  
Silence. The camera was still rolling away. "Potter?" Silence. "Potter, say something! Potter!!" Silence. "I'll kill you!" Silence. "Please, Potter! I'm begging you! Say something!" "You do know the camera was rolling that whole time right?" Harry laughed. "You're sooo dead!!!!!!!" Malfoy ran at him with a tree branch. Camera goes blank.  
  
Gryffindor Tower:  
  
"And this everyone, is Hermione sleeping. Scary, isn't it." *Laughing.* Camera turns and lens catches two girls staring at it or rather Harry. "What the………" "Come up here for some fun, Harry?" Giggled one girl. "No!" "Sure." The girls rolled their eyes.  
  
Boys Dorm:  
  
"Come on, Harry!! I want to play with the camera!!!" Ron whined. "No!!!!!!!!!!!! IT"S MINE!!!!!!!!" "Fine! Be that way!" Ron rolled over with his back to the camera. "I'll make you a deal. If I can get into Ravenclaw Tower and get some pictures of Cho then I get to keep the camera. If I don't, you get it. Fair?" "Not for you." Ron laughed. He turned over to shake Harry's hand. "You're a brave man, Harry. Braver than most." Ron smiled into the camera. "I'll be back with the pictures!!" "Yeah right!" Camera is actually shut off for once, instead of broken.  
  
  
  
Ravenclaw Tower:  
  
"I made it! Thanks to……… whoever told me the password………"  
  
Camera show the stairs to the girls dorm and then the door to the girls dorm and then the beds in the girls dorm and then Cho. "I win Ron." Harry said to himself.  
  
The camera jerked back as he saw Cho start to wake up. "What? Harry Potter?! You Perverted LITTLE FREAK!!!!!! GET OUT OF THE RAVENCLAW TOWER AND OUT OF MY DORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! PROFESSOR FLITWICK WILL HEAR OF THIS AND SO WILL MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Camera goes blank as Harry starts to run.  
  
  
  
Transfiguration Class:  
  
"And this is Professor McGonagall turning into a cat and then back again……… whoop ti do………" "Shut up, Harry." Hermione yelled at him. "And this is Hermione mad because we perverted her camera's poor little mind with pictures of Cho Chang's spectacular body………" "You're drooling, Harry." Hermione said harshly. "Oh……… sorry……… But on the up side of my detention is that Ron's coming with me because, he provoked me into doing it………" "Give me the camera, Harry! Now!" "That's no fun!!"  
  
Hermione's Bed: Girl's Dorm: Gryffindor Tower:  
  
"And this is my Great Aunt Greta and Great Uncle Melvin. Oh look it's second cousin George and third cousin Kyle."………*Me thinks, thou shalt not read of this. It is far too foul a thing.*………  
  
  
  
Next day at Lunch:  
  
"Come on Hermione!!! Stop making it float out of my reach!!!!!" Ron complained. "I bet we're getting some good shots from up there, Ron. Stop complaining!" Hermione yelled at him. "You suck!" Ron yelled. "So do you!" Hermione yelled back. "Nice come back!!" Ron snickered. "Petrificus Totalus! Now maybe you'll shut up!"  
  
Hogwarts: Christmas Break: Lunch Room:  
  
"Well it's me, Hermione again. I couldn't tape because after I put the camera out of Ron's reach he got mad so I used Pertrifcus Totalus on him. He landed on the end of the bench and made it go up making the only person sitting on it, Neville, fly up into the air. Neville grabbed the camera out of the air and then he landed on it when he fell. My parents wouldn't buy me a new camera until now… Stupid boys…" *Me, the All -Powerful Author: If you don't get it, here. Neville + air + camera + air = bad!!! Or broken camera. Okay, better now?* 


	2. Graduation

Graduation Day:  
  
*Me, All Powerful Authoress: I'm making this part up… I don't know what wizard graduation is like…so there… LA!*  
  
Camera zooms in on Dumbledore and then zooms out and then in and then out and then in and then we see Hermione… "Holy Shit!!" Ron's voice. "Give me that, you stupid git!! This is the biggest day of my life and you're fucking it up!!"  
  
"Hermione Granger." Dumbledore's voice. Hermione didn't have a chance to take away the camera. "And now the long list of awards, honors, achievements and other wise abnormal abilities begins…" Ron droned as he focused in on Harry. Harry smiles and waves and then flips him off. "Now that wasn't nice… Oh look… now he's mouthing something to me… Give… Me… The… Fucking… Camera… Give me the fucking camera? What the…? NO WAY IN HELL!!!!"  
  
Audience turns to stare at Ron. Hermione starts pounding her head into the podium, Dumbledore cracks up laughing and McGonagall gets ready to kill Ron.  
  
Ron turns camera to Harry, who is rolling on the stage laughing his ass off… "I am going to kill you, you little piece of shit!!!" Ron yells.  
  
Hermione pounds harder until she's unconscious. Dumbledore ends up like Harry. The audience, including Mr. And Mrs. Weasley, are glaring/laughing/sniggering at Ron.  
  
*And they had to take a break so everyone could… ya… When we return… never mind… after Hermione woke up again, she took the camera from Ron… Fuck her!! Oh well.*  
  
  
  
*Shhhhhhh… Don't tell, but Ron stole the camera back from Hermione… shhhhhh…*  
  
"A very merry un-birthday to me! A very merry un-birthday to me! To me?" Camera zooms in on Harry, who met up with some naughty Ravenclaw's, who went and got high… *and now Ron is seeing pink bunnies, if you can imagine the horror.*  
  
"Ya know what?" Kay Locust asked almost have unconscious. "What?" Renee Cedar asked. She is the only un-high one. "Me and Tiffany concluded that the guy who made Alice in Wonderland was high and Peter Pan is hott and so is Duo Maxwell and you too Harry Potter… now where'd you go?" Harry, who is sitting right next to her exclaims, "Here I am." Kay grabs him and starts kissing him…  
  
"Hmmmmmmmm… we should go to Floor's House for more weed…" Cathy announced. "Um… Cathy… I'm right here…" Floor rolls his eyes. "Oh… okay… don't need to get bitchy about it…"  
  
"Please God, I promise I'll be good… just get me out alive…" Renee pleads.  
  
"Itl late for at…" Ron slurs. *Did I mention he's drunk too? Oh… my bad… Poor Ron.* Alexis is sitting next to her boyfriend Floor… *shhhh… it's his code name… His real name is Brandon and he's a pot head/secret agent. Shhhhhh…*  
  
Anne, a Hufflepuff, *perfect name right? If you don't get it then you need to smoke weed more often… never mind….* Is trying to eat Alexis's shoe… *she must be really stoned.* Renee is glaring at all of them but the fumes from the joints are starting to get to her and her mature side is going away.  
  
"Can you tell me how to get… how to get to ___ street? Hello, Kermit the Frog here and welcome to ___ street."  
  
Renee cracks up laughing and so do Kay and Alexis, who were singing it. *Inside joke between them, obviously… I don't get it… and I'm the authoress… besides… I don't know how to spell. That's why the blanks are there. Hehehehe…*  
  
"LALALALALALALALLALALALALLA!!!!!!!!! ZOOM!!!!" Renee yelled at the top of her lungs.  
  
  
  
*I'll leave the rest for you to think up… man… I'm scared out of my mind.*  
  
  
  
Epilogue: Harry Potter went on to be a great scholar and worked for a group that prevented any evil. Hermione became a human vegetable. The blows to her head rattled her brains and she lost all of her marbles. Ron became a family man, only going to work so that he could put food on the table… but… he still has the camera.  
  
  
  
Other Characters' Epilogue: Kay Locust grew up and became an actress. She has stared in forty movies to date. Alexis and Floor grew up got married, divorced, got married, divorced, got married, divorced, got married, divorced, and got married again. In the mix of this they had 12 children. They are now going through their *one, two three… oh hell…* another divorce. They are both professional pot smokers. Cathy is now a doctor in magic. She sells potions she made up to unsuspecting customers to see if they work. None have and the people who take them die…. Anne dropped out off Wizard College to be a… um…. ya… That's it!! Renee is a very rich bitch that lives on the moon. She writes pathetic stories like the one you are reading now for a living… *The actual names of some characters were changed to protect their rights… ::cough:: Caitlinn ::cough::*  
  
*Oops… forgot Tiffany…* Tiffany grows up to be a loser. *All better!*  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
